Letting Go

In high school, I was caught in a bad situation.
No, I wasn't caught smoking pot in the bathroom. It was more of a personal situation. (On that bathroom note, once someone put superglue on the seats in the girl's bathroom and two girls got stuck.. firefighters had to be called to get them off. Tangent!)

I was going to make this a serious post. Back to that.

I had bad friends. I had friends who talked about me, started rumors about me, laughed at me. But I wasn't brave enough to leave that group behind and find friends who would treat me better. I stuck with it because I couldn't bare the thought of going through high school friendless. I'm a creature of comfort.

They put me through hell my senior year. That's when I started getting better at 'letting go'. I had never before been personally attacked in so many ways. I had a friend go (pardon my language, but it fits..) ape-shit on me one night, accusing me of flirting with her boyfriend. Oh high school. My friends, her emotional outburst at me that night far exceeds anything I have ever done on my worst PMS day. The part that hurt the most was that everything she accused me of was 100% false.

From that day she went from being one of my closest friends, to an enemy. She hated me. She said she would forgive me when I apologized, I refused to apologize for something I didn't do. She didn't leave well enough alone, though. I was on the receiving end of plenty of bullying at school and on MySpace. (I just aged myself there. Wow.) Mean messages, glares, talking about me, a 'hacked' MySpace, and I even woke up one day to condoms covering my car.

That girl is the reason that I got so good at letting go of negative people in my life.

She taught me how to ignore the hurtful actions and words. To take all of her meanness flow over me instead of letting it fester in me and make me mean in turn. To keep smiling.

(A mere two days before graduation. This fully encapsulates who I am.. minus the part where I look like an amputee who can fly.)

It took me a long time to fully let go of that person. A part of me wants everyone to like me. That part makes it really hard for me to see when someone just isn't meant to be in my life. But I've gotten so much better at it. I've been learning how to surround myself with people that make me happy. I've learned how to surround myself with people who will listen to me on my sad days and still love me, even when they see how ridiculous I can be. I can let go now.
It's a relief, every single time. It's a relief to know that I don't have to try extra hard to impress that person, or be extra friendly.

It's okay if everyone doesn't like me, it's okay if not everyone thinks I'm funny or smart or kind. I need to focus on the people who care about me and make me happy. The people who make me want to be a better person, the ones who love me no matter what. I'm slowly finding out who all of those people are, and slowly finding out who they aren't. It's a hard process, but it's something that is worth going through.

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(You're a champ if you read this entire thing. Bonus friend points for you.)


:: ashley :: said...

i had similar scenarios happen in high school. girls are vicious dude. but i am so glad you came out ahead and got a life skill i still struggle with at 28! walk away. love it- great post!

Sensaatio said...

I was bullied at school throughout my elementary school, although it got much worse in upper elementary school... They weren't upfront mean to me for the most part (sometimes I wish they had been, then I at least would've been able to stand up for myself) but they were completely shutting me out from their circles.. I didn't have any friends, I spent the breaks texting with my mum just so that I wouldn't feel so lonely.

At times they were really nice and insisted that I hang out with them, only to laugh at my sorry little self for actually thinking they would like to spend time with me... and they would tell me that to my face. That no-one likes me.

The summer after graduating from upper elementary school and before moving to high school I found out that they had been posting vicious things about me on the internet as well. Nothing too mean, just the same old spreading rumors about how weird I was and how pathetic I was... blah blah

My high school years were heaven, because there was no bullying involved. But my old tormentors were still inside my head playing their games, which resulted in me shutting myself away from the other people, people who actually wanted to be my friends! It took them three years to break through the wall I had built around myself for protection but now they are the best friends I could possibly ask for.

It's been four years, and even though I've come a long way with my trust issues and rebuilding my self-confidence from a scratch, those 9 years still haunt me every now and then. I still have trouble understanding that people do genuinely like me. I can only hope that one day meeting new people won't terrify me as much as it still does today...

Sorry for the long comment, all I really wanted to say that I know what it's like, and that learning this about you made me like your blog even more than I did already! You are amazing!!

Corinne said...

Wow. It breaks my heart to hear how awful and mean that girl was to you. yeah, it's highschool and yeah, we're all immature but that's way unnecessary. How terrible of her.
I definitely can relate to being a people pleaser and wanting people to like you - I'm definitely like that and like you, it's caused me to get in some pretty terrible situations in the past.
I think it's important that like you, we learn from those situations and realize that we are worth more than that and that there will be people who will fill our lives that will love and appreciate us for who we really are.
Brave post, lady! But thanks for sharing!!

Ashley said...

I agree with the comment above...brave post!! And loved it. Sounds like a scene straight out of mean girls. Sorry you went through that but so glad you grew so much from it.

Alice said...

I'm sorry you went through that. High School is such a tricky time for a lot of girls.

I was teased a lot in Elementary School...it got a little better in Middle School and by the time I was in high school I was the mean girl. I had learned to stick up for myself and then took it to the extreme. :(

All I can do now is make amends and raise my daughters to be better.

Sierra said...

I know this feeling. All too well. Just keep doing what you know is right and it will get easier.
If it's any consolation, I love following your blog. :) Seriously. Come stop by and come follow!
Oh, Just Living the Dream

Katie said...

what a great post and thank you for being so honest. You sound so wise! i love the sentence that it's a relief that you don't have to try to impress someone. I think I could be better at letting some of that go too! thanks for the great example girl!

Anonymous said...

your post wasn't too long and it was interesting! i like your "flying amputee" pic and those girls should never sit down on a wet toilet seat -___- anyway, i'm struggling with letting go of "friends" right now. it's kinda hard for me because i like to give people chance after chance to treat me better. *sigh* i'm sorry your friends treated you badly. but i'm happy to meet another '07 graduate ^_^

Annmarie Pipa said...

someone just told me on my blog that hurt people hurt people....a revelation of knowledge for me..
i am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.

Alyx said...

Those are exactly the kind of people you DON'T need in your life, and kudos to you for seeing that. You deserve more than that type of "friend."

Shaylynn... I blahwg n' stuff. said...

You know Kell, I will tell you this, I adored you the first time I clicked on your blog, and you shine with sarcasm and whit, but I know you have a throbbing heart that is kind and good, and I'm going to keep you forever.

and to that girl, her loss. her friggin' loss of someone so good. I hate her, ha. I am such a good person.

Mish Lovin' Life said...

You know...that was actually quite thoughtful of her to promote safe sex and provide all of those condoms for you. Little did she know, she was actually doing an act of kindness...no?