I want....

Somewhat of a touchy subject for me, is forgiveness. I'm one of those people that has a hard time staying mad for more than a day, and I'm grateful for that. However, I wish I could learn to forgive without being a doormat. I have this tendency to forgive as well as forget, when it comes to absolutely everything. I don't dwell on things too much. I've been hurt pretty bad several times by the same people, but as soon as the opportunity arose, I forgave and everything was perfect again.

I don't want to be that person anymore. What does that tell anyone? It tells them that they can treat me however they please and get away with it. I'll always be there. Forget that! So I want to be the person that can just as easily forgive, but still hold my own. Still be able to stand up for myself and dump a friendship that needs to leave my life. Can someone be both of those things?

It brings me to a book I read called Left to Tell. It's a memoir written by Immaculee Ilibagiza, of her experience through the Rwandan holocaust. She tells what she went through, and how she got through it only with the help of God. Her losses are so much that I couldn't imagine being in her shoes. Nearing the end of the book, she gets the opportunity to see a person that inflicted a great deal of this harm, and she simply forgives him. And she meant it. She knew that she couldn't have true happiness and peace without forgiving this man. She asked God for help, she prayed constantly about it. In the end, she knew that she had to do it. She erased the bad thoughts from her mind, and she just.. forgave him. I find that truly incredible.

So is it possible to forgive someone, but tell them you no longer want to be their friend? Or does that defeat the purpose of forgiving in the first place? Or is it simply a matter of 'enough is enough'. I believe everyone deserves a second chance.. but what usually happens with me, is people abuse those chances. I've had the same friend start rumors, gossip, lie and abuse me, yet I always forgave her.

I haven't once told someone that I couldn't be their friend anymore. I don't think it's because I'm just too good a person though. I think it's because I'm just too weak, and the thought of hurting someones feelings bothers me. I'm going to try something new though, and consider my own feelings. I don't deserve to be called names, and in many ways other than that, be insulted. I can't do drama. And I can't do this anymore.

Forgive? Yeah. Forget? Sure. Friends? Nah.


AngeliStarr said...

I actually was in a situation where my now ex best friend did some things in which I have forgiven, not forgotten but do I want to repair the friendship? NO. Im happy with the ways things are and after months of analyzing my friendship with her, Ive realized Im much happier now. Yes, I sometimes ask about her but for the most part, Ive moved on. A lot of times friendships need to grow apart to realize that the person's purpose in your life has been fulfilled and you need someone new.

Im not a very forgiving person. It takes me a while to genuinely feel as though I should forgive them if they deserve it. I dont forget either. Never. I like learning from my mistakes as well as others. If I forget, I feel as though I am giving them myself another chance to let someone repeat it.

kelleidoscope said...

I like how you phrased that last part, how a person's purpose in your life can be fulfilled. I believe that has happened to me a few times, and maybe the only reason someone is in your life is to make you realize things. Like how glad you are to not have some of their qualities :)

OceanDreams said...

Hi love, thanks for coming by my blog! :) Forgiveness is a hard process. I agree, you can forgive but you don't have to stay best buddies with the person who has wronged you. I am having a hard time forgiving a certain friend right now for some very hurting things she said to me...I think you can forgive but not forget. That is wonderful that this author found a way to let go. I think asking God to help you get through the process of healing is key and getting some space from the person. Hope you get through this hun, just take one day at a time!

The Singlutionary said...

The woman in the story had forgivness for the person who hurt her but she didn't go hang out with him/her and be BFFs.

I've been really emotionally abused and manipulated by men in relationships. And I've forgiven all of them. Sometimes I even talk to them briefly in passing or see them online or something and I wish them well. I hope that they learned not to lie and to cheat because that hurt them too and will continue to hurt them as long as they continue to do it. It hurts them more than it hurts me because I got them out of my life.

It hasn't always been this way. I used to give people too many chances too. The way I see it now is that there are consequences. So if someone does something I don't like, I forgive them but I also accept that there are consequences. Sometimes the consequence is that I stop calling them. Sometimes I ask them not to contact me. Sometimes I say "if you ever do that again, I won't be able to continue to be friends with you". And I mean it. Because, like you say, you have to be friends with yourself first!

kelleidoscope said...

OceanDreams- You're very right :) I think the main point of 'forgetting' is that what they did can no longer affect you. You don't necessarily have to completely forget.

Singlutionary- Seriously, we seem to have a lot in common! I'm trying to be strong enough to do what you do.. and let people know that there are consequences for wronging me.

stephie said...

Hi! I found your blog through mbp and am loving your blog and how honest you are! You rarely find people who put them selfs out there and dont try to be picture perfect on here. This actual post hit me hard cause like the others before me Ive had multiple people hurt me over and over again each time getting worse. And like you I am a push over I try to people please cause I know what its like to hurt people but after being hurt so often I finally decided I will forgive and but that does not mean I have to put myself in that situation again to continually get hurt. I like your outlook on things and am glad I found your blog :)